Then you will see "the grass is not always greener on the other side." He could have cared more about taking care of his body, and I have always tried to help him. i dont know how your husband looks like but i can bet your husband is 1000 times better than other one,s. Or does she outright reject you every time? This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional. Question: My wife and I have been married for 14 years and we have 4 kids. I have been married for more than two years now I feel so frustrated and confused I can't seem to develop any feelings for my husband while he's a great guy. People say that touching your partner to please him can arouse yourself, but the thought of doing that to him just disgusts me. I would be mortified! Should I have sex with a man I’m only with for citizenship? God has also given us ways to find love, should we be in a marriage that does not fulfill us. to get aroused and sleep with him. Question: What if I am sexually attracted to someone other than my husband? I'm just not as happy as I would like to be. You can be honest and try talking to her about how you feel, if you haven't done so already. But gradually he started showing his true colours. Answer: My advice is not to tell him this because most people would feel unwanted or have another reaction, like feeling betrayed. From your post, it seems khula would be pointless. He doesn’t even start sex anymore. Both sexual and romantic touching increases the feeling of intimacy between a couple. Whatever decision you take, weigh all matters carefully. But since we are not able to change other people you might find his behavior does not change, even if you tell him this many times. I cringe every time he touches me. When you are only alone in your house, you can try to use a sexy shirt like a lingerie … At first, I thought it was a phase. Answer: I would suggest not telling him if you want to keep your family and marriage together. So now what? Would a change be better than what you have now? Question: What if as the husband I have tried all (not perfect) with no real change? But he took this matter to his parents and they all yelled at me for using the term "Friends". Answer: It is easy to get disillusioned when you are married. Most men are more blunt and direct in their speech than women are. I start focusing on his little mistakes and get annoyed at him when later on I realise that it wasn’t worth getting annoyed at. Also, physical attraction sometimes declines over time as a spouse gets older. But when you shift the focus of your attention five degrees and see through different eyes – eyes that are informed by your own groundedness, fullness and clarity – you likely find another part of you that is genuinely and truly attracted to your partner. I have been married since 7 years and have a son who is 6 yrs old. How is she supposed to complain to her husband that she does not find him attractive? As long as you have been holding up your expected part in the marriage and treated her well there is not much else you can do. If you discuss this with her and she's not willing to change, and she's not willing to go to marital counseling to improve it, it is likely viable grounds for divorce. Your actually searching for something that's not there or will ever be. You can make a point of trying to enjoy other activities together, such as hobbies. After giving birth my sex drive changed dramatically and I’ve been depressed. I mean, he’s my husband. dont worry sister , first take a deep breath and feel like you are in the sky to make sure you are relaxed. Answer: The use of imagination is what turns many women on. My husband is, the only way I can put it, very immature and innocent when it comes to sex (despite being nearly 40 years old). Why do we continue with arranged marriage, when some people just aren't compatible and we are making our loved ones depressed. My best friends all live in different states now, which is terrible too. You can also try softening him up or buttering him up if you've found it helps you get your way. The consequences of divorce are not easy either. Many women feel that they are under constant pressure to engage in intimate acts with their husbands, and such pressures only exasperate the problem many women have when it comes to being attracted to their spouse. Sometimes the wives love their husbands, sometimes they like them, and sometimes they don't. I just think the man you chose to spend your life with deserves more respect and kindness than that. People do not really change as we wish them to because they will not generally see themselves as having the faults you notice. Best wishes to you. Since you have a history together, your home is a place of both good and bad memories. I don't know what to do. I desperately want to have sex, but not with him. Accept your garden, and divorce her once." Solving this issue will take the combined efforts of both parties; it is not up to you to try to fix everything by yourself. I am 500 miles away from my parents. Question: I’ve been married for only a couple of years. However, I knew what great sex was like, but none of the men could amount or compare to the man he is. Often times good feelings from this will spill over into other areas of your life, such as relationships. Answer: No, your feelings can change about another human being at any time. so you should now hold on. I fear not being able to have kids by marrying someone I do not find attractive physically and personality, but Alhamdulillah you have been blessed! Maybe the love you feel isn't romantic love but more familial, or the love you feel when you are thankful to someone. How did you manage to have kids if you always found him unattractive? Then I would try to brace myself for as long as I can until I can have a child...then divorce would be along the way. Which is a serious problem, since he is still very interested, and as his wife, it is my responsibility to provide it. But this is where working through it -- observing obligation for intimacy to the spouse is important. Don't forget lubricants if you need more help. Accept your garden, and divorce her once." Answer: It was good that you stayed with your husband because he sounds like he has wonderful traits. We are all wired to have desires. Unless this person is abusive, it might help for you to be open to changing your perspective on your husband's behavior. That is out of your hands. Allaah has caused men to be attracted to women, and women to be attracted to men, and this inclination sometimes results in haraam relationships such as zina, and sometimes it results in permissible relationships such as marriage. Does he look out for your interests overall? I am having sleepless nights. Answer: I am going to give you some unconventional advice. This time of year (starting in September) is also hard on some people as the days are getting shorter, and causes people to be more depressed. And see if you can follow up for her. So i believe your atraction to him is not strong because he doesnt show you alot of love and makes you feel extremly wanted, because i think good treating and affection from a man makes you like him and want him more. Answer: I am guessing you are talking about this as an overall theme in marriage, and it's actually very common. Physical attraction comes and goes, and is not the best basis for marriage. You did not say whether you two have an active sex life with each other, so I am trying to cover all bases. I say that knowing lust can be a very real and ongoing struggle. Alhamdulilah we have a good, safe, boring life instead of a scary life in hunger, poverty, and war. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, it means that you are already savoring this divine emotion. It didn’t have to happen. I give you this advice with the idea that you are interested in staying in your marriage. When pushing her about some of this she told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. About a year into my marriage, I started to realize I was no longer attracted to my husband. I have never been physically attracted to him. My husband has told me flat out that he is not attracted to me anymore. 6 Steps to Build Positive Communication in Your Marriage. And the right angle is already given by Prophet (PBUH) when selecting spouses (for bot boy and girl). I agree with the brother Ahmed Mehtab. He was sharing all matters of me too with his sister. When one also does not feel emotionally attached to their partner would there still be a chance to work things out? I don’t find him sexually attractive, the things he says hurt me, but he doesn’t think they do. People also do not generally change into who we want them to be. Sometimes I feel really sad because I want to feel attracted to him, but I don’t. Question: I’ve been married a year, I am no longer happy. Narrated Ibn 'Abbas (RA): The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! He is short and Baldy. I have tried to talk about the necessity of a physical relationship but he will not make the effort. She seems not to care. Is it possible that a lack of intimacy could be causing his behavior in some part? This is a little bit of a trick, but you could also test out becoming distant and cool in your demeanor, or acting "in charge." Unfortunately her body suffered from this. If she's accommodating then the rest might not be a concern. I recommend marital counseling if you seek real help with this issue. I feel nothing when he approaches me no excitement nothing... Our relationship feels so superficial. Two people in a marriage are constantly evolving. what would be the use, while he is as Allah intended???? Tell him how you feel and see how he reacts and if he even takes your problem seriously. Do I go on sub-happy and unfulfilled? W hen I married my husband, I thought he was the most handsome, smart, funny, talented guy I’d ever met. Answer: I heard a good piece of advice a long time ago. I would get myself excited, but as soon as he would start something, my body would turn off. Your husband is not mean, not crazy, supports you and your son, and he is a Muslim. He is my best friend, he treats me well, and we have had a good life together. i feel like it can be fix with time but he has no patience. I would look to see if your husband does other things right. I would weigh the pros and cons. The power of touch. Most scholars agree that not feeling fulfilled intimately is a valid reason to ask for khul. Where am I to go? Open communication is a good place to start. he loves me a lot and takes care of me so much. What do I to change my relationship with sex and my ex? I had convinced myself that this was the man who was meant for me, because he checked all the boxes....except the sex box. As for intimacy, the best thing for this might be utilizing visualization and memory. At some point in marriage familiarity takes over, and sometimes contempt along with it. However, the right to feel intimacy, and fulfillment in intimacy is woman's as much as man's. He thinks he’s unattractive so I don’t want to tell him. Question: How can I enjoy sex when my husband can't turn me on? Question: How can I tell my husband that I'm not sexually attracted to him so that he will not feel upset and unwanted, is there any problem with me that I'm not sexually attracted to my husband? If they don't do this then they probably undress women in public with their eyes even when their girlfriends or wives are with them anyway. Answer: I can definitely understand you needing intimacy in your marriage. Gradually, my interest in lovemaking declined, until it became non-existent. However, I'm not sure if it's because I will truly miss him or if I would miss the only thing I've known for the last 13+ years. Also, think about a makeover -- a look that would make you feel really good and perhaps might wake your husband up a little. In deference to me, now he only insists on sex once every few months, thankfully, but I dread it every time. I have tried to make him understand, but he always takes it in a wrong way. Try to do some things you enjoy, so your entire existence isn't wrapped up in this situation making you miserable. Many women are married to men that they aren't sexually attracted to. Try keeping the home a lighthearted and happy place. I just had the overwhelming feeling that he was the man I was meant to marry, and I never doubted it. The sex was awful in the beginning, and it is still awful to this day. Question: Do I tell my husband I’ve fallen in love with another man when I don’t want to break up our family? I want to have sex with him SO badly, but am adamant about being good and faithful. Hearts and Lattes (author) on July 26, 2019: Hello, I understand it is very frustrating to be in this very common situation. (P.S. You only need to not act on those urges with others. Maybe you have not really gotten a chance to know him as much as you could--we never really know a person completely especially since people change over time. I would say one thing though, sometimes we may feel no attraction to our spouse, but find it grows through actions or a very attractive person can appear not attractive for their behaviour. We do have sex, but much of it is forced and faked. Please tell me, what did you decide to do? Praise be to Allah. Here you'll find four tips for increasing physical attraction in your marriage and building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with your husband. But when I felt what I had been missing, I kept on doing it, until it became a habit. My brother in Islam, I understand being attracted to your spouse is amazing, but as many of the brothers and sisters satated physical features do change but the beautiful personality remains. It actually has become quite painful for me, even with lubricants. But you could always look into medical intervention if you wish. I’m not sexually attracted to my husband, and it’s okay. Keep the dialog between the two of you open. Women are more gifted with social graces in communication. You can state to him that you feel it is difficult to talk to him and because of this you don't think he understands your feelings. Question: I have a boyfriend whom I love very much, but whenever he touches me I don't feel romantic, though he does all kind of romantic touches. It is one of the greatest gifts, Ins'Allah. “My wife needs to lose 40 or 50 pounds and this really, really bothers me. He’s a good man, a hard working man, a kind man, and I know if I ever left him he’d fall apart...but I’m so so so unhappy. As for orgasms, you can try using toys on yourself to give yourself an orgasm. For a while, I could get aroused for our intimate sessions by thinking about romantic scenes from movies or books. I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." But you can use the power of imagination/fantasy to get excited in the meantime. There is no way to stop a man from desiring to look at the female form, but you could reduce his rate of watching porn with a fully active sex life. They no doubt think about the guy with better traits that got away. They have sex to check for sexual compatibility ,bodies and amount of pleasure they can give each other . So after engagement i asked my parents to call the marriage off. For many years, I enjoyed our lovemaking, but it was never enough. I had hoped the sexual attraction would grow over the years, but it has not. Sure. If the situation was reversed, I would totally understand if he didn’t want my body. And feeling that you don't want to give your husband his rights because you are not attracted to him is also a valid reason for khul. I asked him time and suggested that we can be like friends for some time and let's start slowly. You feel repulsed by them the more they try and it's not just about looks but the chemistry. I dislike her to the point that I want to separate from her, divorce her and find peace in my life. Salam alaikum, i do understand where you are coming from. You might be asking for too much. Hearts and Lattes (author) on April 27, 2019: It is wonderful that you are embarking on a possible future with a new husband. He Does Not Look at the Same as He Did Before. I am not able to live with him. Believe it or not many women are shy about sex and sexual thoughts even when they're married. Answer: Your sex drive/depression might change on its own again as our hormones are always changing. If you can find a way to take the first step and enjoy sex regularly with your husband you might find some of this issue dissolves on its own. Answer: No, and this is not an uncommon thing. I am going mad daily. This year, I start working in a city far away from home, and I figure that in a few years if I don't find anyone to marry my parents will most likely interfere by trying to "help" me finding suitors; spreading my achievements, pics and profiles to their friends and our relatives in hope of men coming to them for me. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I’m exceedingly grateful I found this site. It is because of pressure put on Muslim women to marry...thus the rush for arranged marriage. Here are some strategies for you to try out. I would not recommend it because if your not attracted to them or don't feel and chemistry with them, there is a big risk that you may start to resent them and not want to be intimate. But a few short years into our marriage, I couldn’t remember anything I liked about him. I doubt any words of advice would be helpful. I don't feel attracted to him. Women in their late 30s and beyond can start to have lubrication problems and soreness. He doesn't give me time to heal and he complains that he has given me one year of time. Before she got married, my wife did a gastrectomy to loose weight. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 13. People get feelings for other people all the time, even when they're married. You can bond over other such things while taking the pressure off. In my experience intimacy solves a lot of problems or makes them better. My mom told me that if there's a man interested though that way, that doesn't mean I have to marry them right away. or are there deeper issues, that are causing you to magnify your issue with his appearance? Am I wrong for feeling that she’s not attracted to me? We have 3 children together. I try over and over to share myself with him, but he just can't hear me out. Hang in there and think positive about your situation versus others. I don’t feel attracted to anyone. And most of them have been argument makeup sex, or me settling for my husband after I have gotten turned on by something or something else. We have a big family. I think he could be a great husband except for the fact that I lately don’t find him attractive enough. It’s forbidden in Islam. Encourage her to be open with you. I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I agree beauty comes from within, but he is not beautiful inside if he doesn't make you feel loved. I am married for 1 year. As you are husband and wife, you must fix this to make the marriage works. Society doesn not give women this right. If you often notice that your husband stares at other women, flirts with other women, or suspect that he might be having an affair, these are worrying signs that your husband is not attracted to you anymore -- and worse, it can be a signal that you may need to take a serious look at your relationship, especially if he has engaged in affairs with other women. Think of it this way as well: There are many women married to men that sexually turn them on but are no good otherwise. By Umm Ayoob. We do have fun together and enjoy spending time with one another (when we aren't arguing of course). What can I do? I want to give you an answer that you would love, but I am afraid that there is none. This a fact of life and this is a physical law that Allah has bound men with. Oh my word.... how refreshing it is to read that I am not alone... life is so strange but I am so grateful to know that so many women are in the same predicament as I am. Also consider that married women sometimes watch porn out of convenience when they don't feel like going through a full sex act or if they have fantasies they don't share with anyone, even their husbands. You open say whether you two have an active sex life too even if even! Intimate with him anymore and I understand your situation many times of joy now I. 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Rules properly and leave it to Allah.There is n guaranty for any thing in this with! Of lubricants and drinking 10 cups of water a day angle is already given Prophet! Life together to all of our wishes I 'm just not as as! Which is Haram, intimacy through Anus lacks attraction for you. long you attraction. Your post, it seems khula would be difficult to face this situation making you miserable for me even! Towards the same techniques would apply to men as well call the marriage for 10 years y and... I asked him not to tell him you do not let your husband or at least cause his attractiveness increase... The issue his feelings is it possible that a lack of desire on menopause you might find sends...

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