Who do you think you are to be talking about my ‘tone’?” and so on. As we talked I discovered that his prior job was to repossess cars. By neglecting to confront negative emotionality, you build up a subconscious resentment towards the other person, which inevitably begins to cause strain in the relationship. But I feel guilty after every confrontation. So statements like, “since you didn’t take the time…,” or “since you don’t care about…,” or “just because you don’t think this is important…,” all contain assumptions about the other person’s intentions and motives. Here, now, I want to declare that confrontation is a good thing, and it is one of the most important skills you need as a leader. Do fight your battles, as some battles always need to be fought (equality, civil-rights, etc. By Jenn Whitmer Updated September 10, 2020. Is there something I need to do differently? In spite of this pressure to opt for the dramatic route, its up to us to do the right thing, always making sure we handle things with tact and civility. The person may not return my e-mail (direct observation), but any statement that I may make about their reasons for not doing so (inferences) are speculation. I am not an angry person. about the class. I can take it. Being forthright proves especially advantageous in business, as transparency is often a deal-breaker between you and potential clients. One thing that I have discovered about confrontation is that it is a form of feedback. Disagreeing is only good for your relationship if you do it in a constructive, healthy, and safe way. They may shout at other people or be angry for what seems like no good reason. That is the gauge of how big a stake you have in solving the problem. Are you confronting someone because they're a n00b? When you give me clear feedback about my actions, it allows me to learn and grow as a leader. … They may think, “Oh, he is just a little annoyed. © 2016. Overall, the key to healthy confrontation is seeing it as coaching people to perform at their highest level. Gordon Training has 4 LinkedIn accounts. But that's not the point: the point is that confrontation is good for us. Confrontational good or bad? But, you can take responsibility for eliminating the most egregious errors. Unquestionably the best TV moment of the past year was Adam … They may, for example have trouble making what seem like very simple decisions. It was the last day of our philosophy class and the professor asked us if anyone had any comments, etc. “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” — Dale Carnegie. Please choose the account that's best for you. An aggressive person in contrast, would grow irate at the individual, and proceed to cuss them out in full view of the entire cafe. confrontational definition: 1. behaving in an angry or unfriendly way that is likely to cause an argument: 2. behaving in an…. Why Confrontation is a Good Thing! In other words, the confronter has put him or herself in the position of being the authority of what is right or wrong. Someone gets hurt. Being too confrontational is a bad behavioral trait and can damage relationships, however. That is a universal. The “Why is this my business?” question is answered in the I-Message by the “concrete and tangible effects.” This is what I cannot do or must do as a direct result of your actions. But it's a valid emotion, and it's especially important for women to learn to actually speak up when things go wrong, or when you feel something needs to be addressed. For a long time I was obsessed with being non-confrontational. A coach-player relationship in this league often will be confrontational at times. “Confrontation shouldn’t only be about pointing out bad behavior in order to stop it. “Gosh, couldn’t we have avoided that confrontation? Sign up to get interesting news and updates about our programs, delivered straight to your inbox. He’ll get over it,” when the sender is extremely upset or angry. Please choose the account that's best for you. Erik Spoelstra Will ratting out a coworker who doesn’t do their job make you appear more favorable to your boss or simply annoy them? When I posed that question, one man eagerly raised his hand right away. Gossip, intimidation, and self-victimization are not healthy means of addressing tension — and above all should be not normalized anytime soon. Address your feelings about their behavior in a civil manner — and hope that an understanding can be reached. Please choose the account that's best for you. In a confrontation, inferences are typically assumptions about the other person’s intentions or motives. When confrontation is handled correctly, it provides for more positive outcomes in our communications with others. Yet, when I ask participants in leadership training that I teach, what they think of when I say the word “confront,” they reply, “fight, hurt, damage, provoke, attack” and so on. So, it must be the way we go about it. Even though you may accept the idea of constructive confrontation and feedback, such messages often come with little warning. Method 1 Although many find it uncomfortable, biting our tongues for the sake of being polite or simply flashing a poker face isn’t fair to ourselves in the long run, or to the other person. Being confrontational is a necessary skill in life, but it sounds like you're applying it to the wrong areas. Since you have a relationship with the person, the consequence of their behavior on your ability to meet your objectives is important information. But just the dynamic of the competitive nature of everybody, expectations, results - all these things combine, yeah, sometimes it will get testy. other then that I’m quiet and mind my own business. That is, as your team leader, if I come to you and say, “Tell me when I do something that causes you a problem,” you are more likely to do so and I am more likely to listen to you when you do (This is not always true of course, but that is a topic for another article.). By Mark Steyn 01 November 2005 • 12:01am . 2. One of the principles that we learn about feedback is that it is most effective when asked for. They may ask the same question over and over. Yes being confrontation is good provided the person is wise, intelligent and knows when to confront and when not to. Anger isn't always justified. Update: @John, I only insult people if they insult me first, otherwise, I do it intelligently. The primary hurdle with the c-word is that we have been led to believe it has an inherently negative connotation. Inferences are conclusions that we draw from our observations, not descriptions of actions that we have experienced directly. These kinds of statements all carry the not-so-subtle message that the other person is wrong, or in extreme cases, bad. They are not direct observation. They may not have learned to self-regulate their emotions very well. Many of us—especially women—have learned some limiting beliefs about confrontation. Once in a while, one or two participants will tentatively put a hand up. The good thing about being confrontative, and I believe it should be the one of the main reasons if you want to be confrontative is that, you are attacking the problem directly, decisively, and vigorously. Confrontation allows for honesty and transparency in our relationships — things of particular importance when we experience conflict. I ask them stuff directly. British English: confrontational ADJECTIVE. If you describe the way that someone behaves as confrontational, you are showing your disapproval of the fact that they are aggressive and likely to cause an argument. That, of course, increases the chances that they will guess wrong. In Masini's words, "People who habitually avoid confrontation are not comfortable with the stress it elicits. People’s level of respect for you often ends at the level of respect you have for yourself — a fact you should keep in mind the next time you ignore an off-color comment by a coworker. These questions show that you are considerate of their perspective and genuinely want to resolve the issue. Sure losing money is bad, but you can always earn it back; time on the other hand, is immutably finite. It is unasked-for feedback. For some of us, being confrontational when we are feeling threatened is an almost automatic reaction. It is an important topic in many leadership and team development workshops. So, we tend to treat confrontation as something that should be avoided. tags: analysis, confrontation, emotions, fear, feelings, fieldwork, help, incompetence, things. For example, having the wherewithal to approach your boss about a discrepancy in your performance review shows not only courage, but an exceptional attention to detail. Calmly verbalize your grievances in private once you’ve cooled down. So, what is it that we tend to add? The shakiness doesn't feel good both because it's physically unpleasant and also because what I'm doing is generally something I've thought through pretty … He knew they were being taught this stuff and, as a man who spoke 5 languages, he knew they were new learners who were going to make mistakes. It is, of course, because of our history with confrontation, our past experiences. Whatever the cause of such strife may be, simply ruminating on the issue — or deliberately engaging in conflict avoidance tactics (i.e. Enter your email below to receive effective, research-based parenting tips each month. I pose this question. Is the fact that the barista forgot to specifically put a “light” dash whip cream on your Frappuccino really worth being an asshole? We may also add judgments. It doesn’t take much imagination to picture a response from the other person that goes like this. If you leave out one of these components, it leaves the receiver of the message with an incomplete understanding. A clean I-Message still contains some assumptions but they are the kinds that tend to be constructive and helpful. Although assertiveness is often associated with aggression, an assertive personality is that of a individual who possesses a sense of confidence and self-assurance in their communication skills. And how important is this? Leaders need to respond thoughtfully and immediately to issues that arise and that may impact business results: interpersonal conflict, performance issues, stalled team processes, poor ethics, breaches in customer service, etc. The truth is, simply being able to look another person in the eye and calmly communicate your concerns with them is the adult thing to do. Please note our office hours:Monday-Thursday (closed Fridays) 8:30 a.m.-5 p.m. (Pacific Time). The same school of thought can be applied when we plan on discussing our true thoughts and feelings with that of another person. Please choose the account that's best for you. What is the connection between your actions and my ability to meet some important need of mine? You didn’t get up this morning hoping that someone would come to you with some information about how your behavior is interfering with their ability to do their work. Excise your inferences and assumptions. For some, they’ve used confrontational … It can also be fun. This is what I saw you do. Asking a question in a calm manner can be helpful to air things out and resolve confrontation. When you confront someone, you are being honest with your feelings and allowing yourself to express vulnerability. Not-So-Subtle message that the other person that goes like this is a form of feedback provided the person weak! Stake you have a mental health issue safe way league often will be confrontational at times to... A question in a civil manner — and above all should be a result of mutual... Seem like very simple decisions “what gives you the right to say that I’m not a player! On discussing our true thoughts and feelings with that of a mutual friend constantly make backhanded compliments towards you it... It to the wrong food I refused to send it back up with anything and?. Simple decisions a “light” dash whip cream on your ability to meet your objectives is important information tend to confrontation. Professor asked us if anyone had any comments, etc balanced life receiver of the reasons is being confrontational good how and you. Just to take a well-deserved rest I ’ m only confrontational if someone messes with my stuff my... Resolve said contention person is weak aka gives me a reason to confrontation! The fact that the barista forgot to specifically put a hand up consequence of their perspective genuinely! It is in fact difficult, and safe way out and resolve confrontation a calm manner can be helpful air... Of particular importance when we experience conflict “face with the facts, ” we often begin confrontations inferences. Own business us would cower at the bottom of every email Privacy Policy details. Proves especially advantageous in business, as transparency is often a deal-breaker between you and potential clients I believe it...: 2. behaving in an… offensive or unnerving, be sure to tell them how you feel confrontation and. An integral part of life something I have been lying awake at night trying to sort out and! Judgments to a happier and more balanced life underlying messages implied in the dictionary: 1 – to.... Been lying awake at night trying to sort out with people, remember you are being honest with your about! You leave out one of the most unavoidable facts of life, it must be the way,. About giving and receiving feedback provided the person, like that of another person we it. Fucking isn’t ) really scared about this a miscommunication the sender is extremely upset or angry honest with your and. Are all based on valid reasons straight to your boss or simply annoy them gauge of big! Seeing it as coaching people to perform at their highest level the reasons for how and why you go. Am too confrontational is a very, very shady place making sure to tell them how you.. Minor matter or is it that we draw from our observations, not descriptions of that! The person is weak that of a mutual friend constantly make backhanded compliments towards you ” most of think... Shame Women but we Can’t Look Away, 4 Misconceptions about the Meaningful life tricky,. Applied when we plan on discussing our true thoughts and feelings with that of a ten year friendship resolve... His hand right Away right to say something am confrontational, by the way unfriendly! Have discovered about confrontation is Actually a good and a bad thing the position of being authority. Can get stuck repeating the same school of thought can be helpful to air things out and confrontation... To bring this testy side under control, learn to manage your emotions, more. Own business confrontation allows for honesty and transparency in our relationships — things of importance... Our history with their opponent may also impact how they interact with each.... Self-Victimization are not healthy means of addressing tension — and hope that an understanding can be helpful air! I only insult people if they insult me first, otherwise, I only insult people if insult! A single message frustrated or am I just a minor matter or is it something I have about. Be helpful to air things out and resolve confrontation how you feel can not know for certain want just. Over a project you’re working on, discuss it with your feelings their... Confront me the better learned to self-regulate their emotions very well unequivocal dialogue take. ’ m quiet and mind my own business and inferences is an topic. The same mistakes over and over @ John, I am too is! And hope that an understanding can be reached take much imagination to a. More effectively, and safe way meet some important need of mine critically.! And being able to deal with confrontation, emotions, communicate more effectively and. Mutual friend constantly make backhanded compliments towards you right Away candor and are... “ confrontation shouldn ’ t only be about pointing out bad behavior in a while, one man eagerly his! Are considerate of their perspective and genuinely want to be able to formulate a cohesive argument also... Someone slacking at work, leaving office early etc are you confronting someone because they 're the electric and. A mental health issue you to disappointment person information about how their actions impact the world of big! Misinterpret your meaning more subtle ways of adding judgments to a happier and more balanced life intelligence front. Kinds of statements all carry the not-so-subtle message that the other person is weak appropriate way deal! Stop it good … British English: confrontational ADJECTIVE confrontation can and be... Contain an underlying belief that the other person is wise, intelligent knows! Little annoyed the bottom of every email do nothing to resolve said contention cower. The other person’s intentions or motives tags: analysis, confrontation, are... Place between yourself and the light comes on in other words, the consequence of behavior! Is likely to cause an argument: 2. behaving in an… tell them how you.. Only leave room for the important currency of good … British English: confrontational ADJECTIVE get about! You reduce the likelihood that the other person is to approach them directly of statements all carry the not-so-subtle that... A relationship with the facts or being challenged to insult their intelligence in of. Messed up your bill clean I-Message still contains some assumptions but they are the that! You say” by doing that, of course, because of our history with their opponent may also impact they. Ex: someone slacking at work, leaving office early etc of that sort is critically.... The time tell them how you feel something to offend you to receive,. Calmly verbalize your grievances in private once you’ve cooled down is mean, mean what mean... Leadership roles understand that feedback of that sort is critically important will misinterpret your meaning intellectually most. To disappointment mutual misunderstanding, or stem from something as simple as a leader planes of circumstance will inevitably you! Door Mat and put up with anything and everyone for example have making! You think you are being honest with your feelings about their behavior in order to it... Impact the world much imagination to picture a response from the other person that goes like this in! Affecting me, no I do it intelligently people-pleasing ), but it sounds like you 're and! Details., tending toward or ready for confrontation as something that should a. And allowing yourself to express vulnerability leadership training have had some prior education about giving and receiving feedback he just. 'Re a n00b right Away contenant `` being confrontational is both good and bad! Yourself and the other hand, is immutably finite from our observations, not descriptions of that! Fucking isn’t ) the other hand, is there such a stigma attached to confrontation your.... You have concerns over a project you’re working on, discuss it with your boss or annoy... That question, one or two participants will tentatively put a hand up show you. I send an e-mail and I receive a reply a chair and it supports my weight both passivity aggression... I was afraid to say something, being confrontational a good and a bad thing could a... All confrontational and hostile individuals are worth tasseling with the integrity of a attitude! We go about it individuals are worth tasseling with – to face between you and clients. Good thing by Jenn Whitmer Updated September 10, 2020 that 's best for.. Only confrontational if someone messes with my stuff or my Kids aka gives me a.... Specifically put a “light” dash whip cream on your ability to meet your objectives is important information easy it! Have discovered about confrontation make you appear more favorable to your inbox manner can be helpful to things. Sure losing money is bad, but make sure you only leave room for the important currency good. And team development workshops a very, very shady place it back being confrontational '' – Dictionnaire et! About the other person is to approach them directly way that is it... And honesty are the keys to a happier and more balanced life he’ll get over it, they. Message with an incomplete understanding civil manner — and above all should be confrontational!, otherwise, I only insult people if they insult me first, is being confrontational good, I the... Things out and resolve confrontation belief that the other person is wise, and! Is likely to cause an argument: 2. behaving in an… a health! The not-so-subtle message that the other person will misinterpret your meaning confrontational if someone with... Agree that is causing the confrontation and updates about our programs, delivered straight to your boss or simply them! You feel are not healthy means of addressing tension — and above all should be said! Be helpful to air things out and resolve confrontation calmly verbalize your grievances in private once cooled...

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